Weird Two-Wheelers

The New Year is nigh and before I can get going on my resolutions, I have to clean out my digital notebook. That means getting rid of some story ideas and finishing others that were half-started or forgotten about. This post is the latter. . .

If the Cold War, the Yankees/Red Sox rivalry, and the Pepsi Challenge taught me anything about the human condition, it’s that everyone needs someone or something to be against. Cyclists are no different: Roadies think they’re better than mountain bikers (more fit) and brake-less fixed-gear riders believe they’re on an almost spiritual [bike] path. Even the most non-prejudiced pedalers — looking your way, Portland — poke fun at the bearded, reclining folks otherwise known as recumbent riders.

And now, thanks to some awesomely awful two-wheelers that are the twisted mash-up of a bicycle and a fitness machine, there’s a new class of goofy two-wheeled untouchables.

Like a two-wheeled jackalope, these mechanical platypuses put the loco in locomotion. They mate devices like an elliptical, treadmill, rower, and all-body ergometer with the bicycle. Recently, in the Los Angeles Times’ Health section, accomplished runner, cyclist and writer Roy M. Wallack put these jacked-alopes to the test.

In testament to his writing talent, Wallack made the bikes sound fun to ride, and not even in a moped sort of a way. (The gist: They are fun, as long as no one sees you on them.) So resolve to read and poke fun now while you still have some 2009 left.

But that’s just me. Riders, we’ll see ya next year. . .

—Stephen Krcmar looks goofy on about whatever bike he’s on as he pedals around in Mammoth Lakes, Calif.