Camping Nightmares: Worst Animal Mashups

News of warming temperatures pushing grizzlies north and polar bears south from their dwindling ice floes has resulted in alleged sightings of terrifying (and adorably cute) ‘pizzly’ bear hybrids. But what if these animal mashups happen more often? What unforeseen dangers await in the wild?

Scorpigoose

 

Earlier this summer, reports surfaced that a pizzly was shot by a Candian hunter. Happily, DNA tests revealed the bear was nothing more than a blonde grizzly, confirming the hunter merely killed a … bear.

Still, instances of cross-breeding and the resultant pizzly – or “grolar” if you really want to sound scary – spawn have been confirmed both in the wild and in captivity. This got us wondering: What could possibly be more horrifying than a giant, half-polar, half-grizzly (still majestic) killing machine?

Skat: Skunk + Bat

skat
Illustrations: Adam Ruggiero, GearJunkie.com

First of all, bats might as well be on the list by themselves, since they’re effectively the result of a nightmare and a handful of rabies. But imagine if those darting, flapping horrors zipped across the night skies spraying your campsite with skunk nectar. Forget the tent, it Count LePew is dusting campsites with his odious fog of demon stench, I’ll take Best Western, thank you very much.

Snakequito: Snake + Mosquito

snakeito

Game over, man. Game. Over. It’s only a matter of time before mosquitoes destroy the world. They’re already carriers for a host of disease, including dengue, zika, and malaria. And, oh yes, they’re the number one most deadly animal on the planet (ah-hem, next to humans that is). But just imagine if those vicious SOBs harnessed the power of snake venom! Are you imagining? Of course not, because you were bitten and are dead just like everyone else.

Squoose: Squirrel + Moose

Rocky and Bullwinkle, together at last! Cute, right? Wrong. Moose, you should know, injure more people per year than black and grizzly bears combined (and pizzlies too, I’ll bet). So what do you expect will happen when these marauding knife racks combine with the agility and unpredictable aggression of a red squirrel? I’ll tell you what: a thousand tiny gorings perforating your ankles as you run screaming from the campground.

Scorpigoose: Scorpion + Goose

Scorpigoose

You know that feeling when you see a flying-v and hear the brash honking that means winter is over and the geese are returning? Now take that feeling and multiply it by the unadulterated terror that would accompany the sight of a dozen giant flying scorpions streaking across the sky overhead. I’m not saying scorpigeese are inevitable, but it might be a good idea to trade that down jacket for a synthetic – never too soon to start making nice with your future overlords.

Big Horn Honey Badger: Big Horn Sheep + Honey Badger

The honey badger blew up the internet in 2011 with its endearing unprovoked rage and blind aggression. Fortunately for us, despite having 16 dragon talons on its paws the murderous little rodent only stands 9 inches tall and weighs 20 pounds. Until, that is, the honey badger inevitably realizes the advantages of hybridizing with the otherwise docile big horn sheep. Once Bucky quintuples in size and develops a battering ram for a head, we can all just start colonizing the moon, because Earth is a lost cause. Big Horn Honey Badger don’t give a #$@%!

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Adam Ruggiero is an all-sport activity junkie – from biking, running, and (not enough) surfing, to ball sports, camping, and cattle farming. If it’s outside, it’s worth doing. Adam graduated from the University of Minnesota with a BA in journalism. Likes: unique beer, dogs, stories. Like nots: neckties, escalators, manicured lawns.

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