The Blonde Bomber recently told CNN that she wants to start a family and is on the prowl for a man. But the Minnesota Maiden can’t seem to find a suitable suitor. Look no further!
AN OPEN LETTER TO LINDSEY VONN:
We haven’t talked in awhile. Does your hair still smell like cinnamon? Bet so. Since last we spoke, I’ve been manicuring my mustache. It’s more robust than ever. It looks like the combination of Tom Selleck’s soup strainer, a well-used push broom, and a solar eclipse. It’s magnificent. Yesterday, a dove flew out of it. And you know what doves represent, don’t you? Hope, doves symbolize hope. And love.
“I would love to be a mom. I just don’t know … I kind of need a guy first.” – LV to CNN.com
After reading your CNN.com interview, I am hopeful. You’re looking to start a fam but can’t find a man, huh? Well, you can give up that search. The mustached, skinny-fat, borderline impoverished, Midwest-raised, 80s-dance-moves-havin’ ski fiend of an all around pretty average yet slightly weird dude is right here.
It is I, PaddyO (insert flirtatious man hair-flip and wink). From what you told CNN, I think we’d be a match made in Heavenly.
“I want someone that is self confident, (Have I told you about how rad I am?) but doesn’t have a huge ego (I’m just joking. I’m ok, or whatever…let’s talk about you). Someone who supports everything I do (I will cradle your heart and hopes, a manly sports bra for your emotions). And doesn’t hold me back. (I’ll hold you up like Rafiki held Simba. Plus, I know all the words to Wilson Phillips’ Hold On, sooo…). Someone who encourages me to do what I want to do (Giiirl, you do you!) and what’s good for me and my skiing (Pizza, pizza, French fry, pizza) and my life. (We should eat more quinoa salad and recycle stuff.) Getting along with my dad is the biggest challenge. (Many father’s have remarked on my charming presence and assertive yet soft-to-the-touch handshake. Coconut scented Jergens is my secret.) Oh, and must be a dog lover. If not, it’s a no-go. (Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercials hit me in the center of the feels).“
Linz, ya know what’s stupid? Famous athletes and actors hooking up, that’s what. You’re fishing in the wrong pond, mon cherie. I mean, c’mon. When is the last time you went on a date with a guy who had to go Dutch on the tab?
And guess what? I can’t even do that. That’s right my dear, I’ll let you pick up the entire bill because that’s just how much I care. Let’s split a slice of pepperoni, ask for two straws for our cup of water, and sneak into a movie.
Or, I can cook you dinner. Zatarain’s and Texas toast for the lady? But when you come to my parent’s house for Thanksgiving (that should be, like, our second or third date, probs) I’ll shower you with the pricelessness of Midwestern sensibility and upbringing. Plus, there will be more tater tot hot dish and green bean casserole than you can swing a turkey leg at.
So whaddya say, Linz? How’s about ya give a normal guy a shot? I triple dog dare ya.
Patiently awaiting your response while doing push ups. (Ha! Just kidding. I’m eating doughnuts.)