‘Sweaty’ Cornfields Cause U.S. Heat Wave

If you plan on adventuring in the wilderness this week, prepare to sweat alongside corn. Yes, corn sweat will likely pool in your tent along with you-sweat. Eww.

Something called “sweaty corn” is to blame for recent heat waves in the Midwest. This is a real news story. According to meteorologists at CNN and other sources, when corn crops pull moisture from the soil the plants release water just like human sweat, which is then absorbed into the atmosphere.

So really, it’s gonna be SO HOT THE CORN IS SWEATING.

Unfortunately, a “dome” of high-pressure forces the floating cloud of hot corn juice back down, increasing the temperature to extreme levels as it descends. The Midwest has essentially become a convection oven, and you, my friend in the Marmot tent, are the turkey.

Midwestern Weather Madness

During summer months, Midwestern cornfields boost dew points to absurd levels usually only found at the Equator. This week, the Twin Cities, Milwaukee, Chicago, and every town in between will likely see temperatures exceeding 100-degrees due to the perspiring yellow grain. But don’t worry, in just a few short weeks, it’ll look like this again:

Indeed, midwestern weather is a bipolar bitch, and right now it’s HOT. As the environment of the Midwest begins to resemble the steam room at a Turkish bath house, outdoor enthusiasts of all kinds are at high risk of heat-induced irritability, exhaustion, and dehydration.

The heat index is projected to rise above 120 degrees F, which, for reference, is close to the same temperature needed for a vision quest in a sweat lodge. Prepare to meet your spirit animal if you plan on camping.

The “heat dome” is a reported weather phenomenon that will trap heat and bake the center of the country through the weekend. There won’t even be a respite at night. The National Weather Service reports evenings will continue with daytime mugginess and high temps.

This prolonged period of humidity and excessive heat is sure to increase body odor, swamp ass, and the platitude “Is it hot enough for ya?”

For residents in homes and apartments without air conditioning, some cities have erected metropolitan cooling centers. The NWS has even gone as far as suggesting residents leave the Midwest entirely. Suggested cooler spots include San Francisco, Seattle, Antarctica, or the penguin house at the zoo.

Time To Camp Naked?

The corn sweat-“heat dome” spectacle could, however, be a blessing in disguise for voyeurs and Peeping Toms. If you go camping within the glowing ember of the Midwest, CNN suggests drinking a lot of water, eating light meals high in carbs, and wearing light-colored clothing…or none at all.

Air flowing over naked sweat-laden skin rapidly decreases body temperature. But we suggest checking with the campsite ranger before donning your birthday suit and pitching a tent. And, of course, wear plenty of sunscreen. A spectacle like corn sweat trapped inside a “heat dome” will dissipate in time but a sunburnt bathing suit area is a memory not easily forgotten.