You Know You Want A ‘Hot Tub Hammock’

Well, shut her down, we can all go home. Somebody invented a “hot tub hammock.” I guess we’re all done. Good work, everybody.

For real, the “hammock hot tub” is now a real thing, and all is right in the world. You can buy one now and swing in the breeze while bubbling in a broth of hammock juice. Oh, that sounds awful. Let me rephrase.

You can hammock and hot tub at the SAME TIME! Whoo yeah! ‘Murica!

Editor’s Note: The Hydro Hammock reached its funding goal on Kickstarter as of July 14. It’s real, y’all.

Officially called the Hydro Hammock, the company is raising money to fund this most epic of ideas on Kickstarter now. And while I could wax poetic all day about the obvious benefits of owning your very own hot tub hammock, the company’s text is, well, I’ll let you decide, wacky punctuation and all:

“HydroHammock Hot Tub Bathtub. Best Hammock Design Innovating Comfort for all. New Level of Fun. Swinging cool or warm Bliss Bath.”

Bliss bath eh? Who doesn’t want to take a friggin’ bliss bath? I’m listening.

“The Water Heater System also works as an outdoor Shower which, with a basin and strainer / filter, one may take a 2 hour shower with less then 3 gallons of water. Anyone enjoy long showers, or concerned about water bills?”

Wait, it’s also a shower?! Good grief, I don’t even have enough adjectives.

So we really need to call it the “hot tub hammock shower” multi-tool? Ok, not exactly sure how this would work, or how I’d feel after a two-hour shower with the same three gallons of water, but damn.

Mother Of Invention?

It’s necessity, in case you hadn’t heard that credo. And now that I’ve heard of this wacky invention, I’m a bit concerned I might need one. I mean, how do you say “no” to a hot tub hammock?

Sure, it looks entirely impractical and costs a remarkable $1,200 or more (more on this later), but it’s still a hot tub hammock.

Can you really put a price on a bliss bath? No, silly. Well, unless it’s $1,200.

It Starts With A Hammock

So here’s the deal — the Hydro Hammock is a semi-complicated product, and the marketing copy is downright confusing, so I’m going to do my best to spell it out.

It starts with a heavy-duty hammock made of sealed, synthetic, high-tensile-strength fabric. The company claims it can easily support the weight of 50 gallons of water and two adults, “though only 20 gallons of water are needed for an amazing quality bath.”

It comes in two versions — a single-walled and double-walled version that can hold an insulating pad.

You can get this hammock with gear to hang it for a mere $260 for the single wall, $390 for the double.

Add A Heater

Without a heating and circulation unit, you’ve just got a “hammock tub.” You know you need to add the “hot,” and that is where things get pricey.

Like $920 pricey. The heater system comes in a hard plastic case and uses an LP gas water heater and 12 volt water pump to circulate deliciously hot water around your oh-so-relaxed body.

There are more features, including “activated carbon treatment pellets” and “Neodymium magnets for water polarity activation,” but I’m just going to stop at hot water.

Delux Glamping

Then we get to the weight and dimensions of this bad boy. Let’s just say it’s not for your ultralight kit.

The water heater case weighs in at 60 pounds. Fortunately, you can remove the battery to bring it under the 50 pound limit for checked luggage, ’cause you KNOW you’re bringing that bad boy on your summer vacation to Fort Lauderdale.

The hammocks are not all that light either, at 15 pounds for the single version, 21 pounds for the double.

Hot Damn It’s A Party

So before you whip out your credit card and throw down for the most deluxe hot tub hammock of all time, ask yourself: Can I handle the epic party that is sure to ensue? Can I manage beautiful people throwing themselves into my hammock? Am I ready to be rich and famous and tremendously popular?

And really, who cares, because you’ll have a hot tub hammock. I can’t imagine it’s even a little bit practical, but neither is a $4.5 million Lamborghini Veneno Roadster.

And you can’t afford the Lamborghini, can you? Me neither. But a man can dream, right? Damn straight, and he can do it while he lays in his very own Hydro Hammock, the world’s first, and possibly last, hot tub hammock.

And without further ado — the picture again of a bikini-clad butt. ‘Cause that’s why you came here anyway, right?